Day #12: Chasing Northern Lights
“I am sorry you missed this. Please make sure you come to visit this place; don’t hold a grudge against it because of me,” I texted her as a caption for the short video I sent her on WhatsApp. It was our first contact since we broke up. I had left things awkwardly -or I should say cowardly- but honestly, I didn’t know how to explain my reasoning without making things worse.
Her last message was clear and stung with truth: “I don’t understand what’s so hard to explain. Just be honest and say there’s someone else… Anyway, as you wish…”
As I continued to observe in awe the natural spectacle before my eyes, I reflected on our past. I was supposed to be there with her, but I had chosen to end our relationship, which was otherwise going well. We had booked the trip together; it would have been our second. The first was fun, and our bond had strengthened. I refunded her share because I still wanted to go, and I had already taken time off work.
The pattern was all too familiar. The same story as with the other women. She had been too upfront and too early when she brought up the topic of “having kids.” I felt cornered, unready. Moreover, she wanted to spend more time with me than I was comfortable with. It felt like she was chasing me, becoming clingy, and it felt uncomfortable.
I grew up believing that the man is supposed to chase the woman. My early relationships had ended painfully — I was the “very nice guy,” the romcom type.
Disaster.
Over time, I had transformed into a self-aware and confident man, sometimes bordering on arrogant. Yet, I still clung to flawed beliefs whenever I became exclusive with someone.
I felt guilty for desiring other women, blaming them for not being enough to make me forget the others. I danced back and forth in this mating ritual, but whenever they asked for my weekends, my “inventory” took precedence. There was no real exclusivity. My love life was like a career — getting promoted, interviewing for the next position, all while juggling multiple offers.
Maybe I was fighting my own nature, pondering whether men are not built for exclusivity. What if monogamy is a choice against nature, akin to a vegan refusing steak, despite salivating at the mere thought like a St. Bernard?
The closer she got, the more affection and genuine care she showed, the more I withdrew. I had hurt her -a lot-and I didn’t want to lead her on, even though I was enchanted by her presence in my life. I cared about her; I wanted her to be happy. Yet, I couldn’t see myself giving her the life, stability, and the children she deserved. I wasn’t ready to choose her, and I wasn’t ready to bid farewell to the irresponsible man I had become. He was my ally and my adversary, my hero and my greatest disappointment.
Her reply came after a few minutes, laced with a mix of understanding and resolution: “Thank you, I will certainly visit. No grudges; you’ve been kind despite how things turned out. I will never forgive, sorry, I mean forget. ;) Never change, but maybe grow up a bit! Bad timing. FYI, I’m seeing someone, and we might be on the same page, so let’s not spoil that. Enjoy the trip that wasn’t meant to be. Take care. xx”
I smiled, glanced at her profile picture once more, one last time, and deleted her number. “Goodbye,” I whispered.
Bittersweet.
The Northern Lights continued their dance a few minutes longer before clouds, heavy with snow, approached swiftly, their message clear: it was time to head back to my room. I had planned a different date for each day of my stay in Iceland, some chosen last minute over others for superficial reasons, “hotness” mostly, whatever that meant. I wondered, would the pattern repeat even with those I fancied a bit more?
Each broken heart was a reminder that perhaps I should have spent some time alone. This solo trip should have been a journey of self-discovery rather than a conquest. Boasting of my “achievements” in a group chat with friends wasn’t amusing anymore. It was just sad. It had always been sad. I was just realising it.
Maybe I was beginning to mature, just as she had suggested.
Timing is everything. We all ripen at different speeds and for different reasons, but ultimately, we all face decay.
Carpe diem.
In the realm of investing, spreading bets into small bets increases the odds of success, particularly when starting early. Over time, as you discern what works and what doesn’t, the strategy becomes less about diversification and more about commitment -until one day, you find yourself wholly invested in something significant.
A lifestyle business. A family.
Join My Journey: One Shot, One Story
Each day unfolds with a single random image from Unsplash, sparking the creation of a story.
Why?
This ritual is not merely about storytelling; it’s a pathway to a legacy I’m building for my children, something I wish I received from my parents instead of “stuff” — a book that delves into the intricacies of mistakes, healing, pain, success, and the shifting sands of societal values.
This narrative explores the devaluation of human virtues, the nuances of grift and speculation, addiction, the evolving roles within society, the impact of feminism, leadership, and the vital importance of responsibility and accountability.
Cool, but who for?
It’s a story meant to answer questions that distant relatives, whom I’ve never met or fallen out of touch with, might ponder about our shared lineage and the world that shaped us.
As a devoted father, this endeavour is my beacon, guiding the legacy I wish to leave behind. Writing, in a language that wasn’t my first, presents a unique challenge — one that I tackle with stoic determination. It’s an effort to break barriers, to communicate more profoundly, not just with my immediate family, but with anyone on a journey of self-discovery and growth.
But who are you anyway?
With a background in engineering, entrepreneurship, investments, and a heart that beats for art, beauty, and nature, I am deeply passionate about technology, history, psychology, and uncovering the layers of what makes things ‘weird.’ Above all, I’m a family man, a software artisan committed to lifelong learning, eager to share the insights gleaned from my quest to minimise regrets.
Follow my journey here and on X, let’s connect even if you simply want to tell me how much my content sucks. I’d love some honest feedback!