And I walked and walked and hiked and hiked until I forgot why I was pushing forward. Was I walking away or trying to reach something?
I lost myself along the way, in my thoughts, in my own realization that my senses have been dormant for too long. Feeling the heat, the cold, the smell of the pinecones, the sound of my steps on gravel, my own breathing and—I dare to say, the sound my own heart beating. Its strength manifesting itself before my eyes, with intermittent web-like lines. A reminder—I am just flesh that moves propelled by flesh moving. I work because parts of me are working.
While being supposedly lost, I reconnected with myself. I was found. I started feeling again, I stopped wanting stuff—ballast. I wanted meaning. Meaning packaged in a house full of love. Kids running around and driving me insane up until realise that I am going to miss that insanity one day. That insanity I ran away from, was the only sane thing I wanted in my life.
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And I walked and walked and hiked and hiked until I forgot why I was pushing forward. Was I walking away or trying to reach something?
I lost myself along the way, in my thoughts, in my own realization that my senses have been dormant for too long. Feeling the heat, the cold. Smelling the pinecones. Hearing the sound of my steps on gravel, my own breathing, and—I dare to say—the sound of my own heart beating. I saw the blood vessels in my eyes pulsating like rivers in fast-forward, a vivid testament to the vigour within. This is the manifestation of my strength, a clear vision of life pumping through me. A counter, every beat is a tick and there’s no “reset” button.
I am just flesh that moves, propelled by flesh moving. I exist because of a symphony within me, where every cell plays its part in harmony, like a society thriving in perfect order and mutual benefit. This is the symbiosis of life, a system where homeostasis mirrors the ideal functions of capitalism or libertarianism. It doesn't matter how you wanna call it, definitions can always be changed, meanings cannot—no corruption, no failure, only purposeful action and balance. Any imbalance is a call to action. Utopic perhaps. “Have you ever met anyone?” I asked myself. It can only truly work within people. To be selfish is part of our survival instinct but how far can one’s taking go?
While being supposedly lost, I reconnected with myself. I was found. I started feeling again, stopped desiring the superficial—ballast. I stopped wanting to track scores, counting coins, bodies, reps, whatever. The only thing that counts, that is worth counting is the time we have. The impact we can make. How we’ll be remembered.
I craved meaning. Meaning wrapped in a home pulsing with love. Kids running around, driving me insane, until I realize that one day I will miss that insanity. The chaos was, paradoxically, the very sanity I yearned for in life.
“You guys will read this one day when I am gone and all I want for you is to smile when you think about me and the father I was. Please look after yourselves, love each other and look after your mum. She loves you more than anything else. Don’t allow this simple fact to harm her. Don’t take advantage of her. Family comes before everything else. Never forget. I want you to be proud of me. If I failed, I am sorry, not for you but for myself. You'll be OK regardless, I believe in you. I will keep trying until the end—This is where you should nod and say that I did and that I am insufferable even from beyond… where I will certainly keep loving you guys”